The Abilify has made so much possible for me in the past month; I really feel like school is going to be possible now.

The rest of my schedule to finish my AA looks like this:

SUMMER I
Techniques of Reading & Writing II (required English)
Elementary Algebra (second time taking this non-credit, non-college level course; determined to pass it!)

SPRING
Natural Science of Chesapeake Bay (fulfills natural science non-lab requirement)
Photographic Expression II (arts credit)
elective
elective

Then, this time next year I’ll be a student at the University of Maryland. I can’t narrow down my major; hell, I can’t even get close. I want to do something in science but I can’t handle the math requirements. My understanding of math ceased in the 8th grade, and no amount of tutoring and studying has changed that. I don’t know if I’d be able to pass Calculus; hell, I don’t know if I’d even be able to reach Calculus. I’m interested in:

Biodiversity & Conservation Biology;
Environmental Economics;
Environmental Restoration & Management;
Global Environmental Change;
Land Use;
Environmental Politics & Policy;
Society & Environmental Issues;
Marine & Coastal Management;
Animal Sciences: Animal Care and Management;
Biological Sciences: Ecology and Evolution;
Urban Forestry;

and they ALL require Calculus! I’m so fucked; I’m probably going to end up majoring in anthropology just to avoid the math. How clichéd can I get?

In other words, this is the exact same place I was in when summer ended last year, which means had I not gone through with getting married this past year, I could have finished the degree, instead.

It also means that I will have taken exactly ten years (if I finish before next fall [2009]) to get my ASSOCIATES degree.

Ten years to do two, and what really ambitious people do in one and a half.

I have no enthusiasm for this shit. It reminds me too much of high school, which I also dragged my feet to. It even took me three tries to get my GED, because the first time I couldn’t make it out of bed and the second time I couldn’t make it out of the car. The third time, I was the first person done and finished in the 90-something percentile in the country. Great, I’m better able to spew-back school book tripe than 90% of the other drop outs. I can play the paper game better than the other drop outs. But as for the 86.5% of people who didn’t drop out of high school? I still can’t figure out how to play with them.

July of 1998 was when I got my GED. A year before I would have graduated with my class, but a year after I’d been out of school entirely. Around the same time I got my GED, I started journaling online for the first time. Time was, I thought or hoped that would take me somewhere, too, but that takes more than ambition — it takes trying, failing, and trying again. I’ve never been good at getting back up and continuing on with bruised knees and ego.

My GED says, “Congratulations on achieving the Maryland Diploma. Opportunities in both business and higher education are now open to you that were previously unobtainable. Your accomplishment should give you a feeling of satisfaction that is certainly shared by the GED Office. I’m still waiting for that feeling to kick in.

Second letter says my grant has been denied because my school says I am not making satisfactory academic progress. I’ve been on the Dean’s list for the past two semesters, but I’m not making satisfactory academic progress?

Apparently the universe doesn’t think I have enough stress already.

Bring it on, motherfuckers. Bring it on.

If this shit keeps up, I’m gonna start modeling again, because nothing is a bumpier ride than that, but at least it pays.

1:45-2:00 Decompress.

2:00-3:00 Insomnia. Am again used to going to bed at dawn, due to Bar Life. Have again become reliant on Ambien to sleep. Have been taking 20mg per night for the past week for such a purpose (10mg was no longer inducing sleep). Successfully fell asleep last night with only 10mg.

5:10-6:00 Woke up at the hour when my circadian rhythyms are now used to going to bed. Could not get back to sleep, got up at 6:00 and began working on homework for the other remaining class, which ends on Friday.

6:00-9:00 Playing with animals, household chores, homework; letting the boy sleep.

9:30-10:15 In transit for an appointment that is only 20 minutes away, but morning traffic hinders.

10:20 Walk into my psychiatrist’s office and burst into tears. Difficulty in retaining composure while relating the past month’s events.

10:20-11:15 Psychiatrist calms me down and gives me several good strategies. I feel much better. I love my psychiatrist. I’m 15 minutes late for a 30 minute appointment, but because I’m melting down, she spends almost an hour with me…which means her 11:00 appointment had to wait in the lobby.

11:17 Having been at the psychiatrist’s for more than an hour, the parking lot attendant charges me $4 instead of my usual $2 ($2 per hour). I cannot talk it down, though I’m only 5 minutes over. I only have $3 on me, so I have to put the charge on my debit card. Cars line up behind me with their drivers growing furious.

11:20-11:45 Drive to general practitioner’s office, pick up referral paperwork (they no longer fax).

11:48 Having just left the GP’s, my mother calls me to tell me that she’s getting ready to take her dad to the emergency room. Bladder blockage. Might be the cancer. [Today's ER visit] is very bad, I know, though my mom isn’t saying so explicitly, because she is waiting for my aunt to arrive, “in case anything should happen, she needs to be there because she has Power of Attorney.”

11:55 Will not lose composure. Keep driving and arrive and next doctor’s appointment.

12:10 Doctor’s office has no record that I have an appointment. After much explaining of my health and pleading, I am finally admitted to an exam room.

12:15 Very kindly of the doctor on staff, she sees me right away, though she is on her lunch break.

12:17 Doctor (gynecologist) exams me. Explains that the pain I have been having seems to be coming from a large mass in my uterus. Possibly polycystic, as I have polycystic ovarian syndrome; something may have migrated, and/or ruptured. Possibly fibroids, as my family (directly my mother) has a history of them; however, endometriosis also runs in the family, so it’s hard to say. Doctor writes a referral for Yet Another Ultrasound. (I seem to have those once a year.)

12:20 My appointment for my IUD removal is confirmed for August 28. Essure in October.

12:25-12:45 Drive home.

12:45 Try to play calm with the boyfriend. Relay news about grandfather. Attempt to work out a plan to finish my psychology class.

13:05 End up having a huge blow-up of a fight with the boyfriend, the worst we’ve ever had.

13:20 I just want the fight to end; am not in the mood right now to Work Things Out. Bow out with “I’m sorry, my bipolar rages in August, which you experienced last year, and I’m riding a roller coaster. I didn’t mean to go off on you, I don’t want to be fighting, I’m just experiencing all these really strong emotions that are rapidly changing from one extreme to the next, and it’s very hard for me to maintain my composure all the time. 15 minutes ago, I lost my composure, and I’m sorry.” Apology accepted by gifting me with the cat, as usual. Which is all fine and dandy for today, but this is still a major issue that needs to be worked out.

13:25 Need to decompress. Start journaling while paying bills.

13:35 Preventative health care costs are absolutely ridiculous for pets. I am reduced to buying my fuzzy butted babies their heart worm prevention and monthly flea medication on eBay.

My semester ended today, and once again, the phrase was lashed at me from my pre-algebra professor. (Unfortunately, he’s also my instructor over the summer for algebra; there is no one else teaching the class then, and I have to take it right away, or I forget everything.) Prior instances of the “this is college” phrase came at me from my last college, from a Dean, several administrators, the financial aid office, and the disability support service office. Sometimes, the phrase is followed by, “this is the real world, this isn’t high school anymore.”

The concept of college preparing students for the real world is really getting under my skin. I have some perceptions of the world outside of high school and college — having lived in that world more or less for twelve years, and this whole concept of rigorous, conforming, same ways for all the people, just does not apply to my experience outside of school.

At the age of sixteen, I got my first job, was working more than forty hours a week at minimum wage, and earned enough money in a month to fly myself over to Scotland to visit the boyfriend I had met through the internet the year prior. When I returned two months later, I was a secretary and then an an assistant manager at a bookstore at the age of seventeen. Two months prior to my 18th birthday, I moved to Pittsburgh. That December, I rented a flat in Edinburgh for myself and four other friends for the millennium celebrations. I’ve had the same web site/server since 1999 and my current longest hosted site has been with me four years. I keep my checkbook balanced. I managed my own prescriptions and doctors appointments, and have since the age of 16. E-fucking-cet-er-a. In other words, I do have a sense of responsibility.

Responsibility, yes. Patience for other peoples’ time lines (particularly when they are too slow for me), respect for authority (particularly when I think I would be a better authority), and the ability to fake both the former are two things I do not have. These also happen to be family traits (paternal side), which is probably why most of that side of the family have been entrepreneurs, self-employed, and/or have done a lot of career or job-hopping before finding a good fit. My favorite uncle, for example, whose temperament I mirror almost exactly, got kicked out of high school, wandered around Canada as a nature guide, was a DJ on Georgetown University radio when it was shut down, was a professional chef, did professional ice sculpting, did some construction and electrician contract work to make ends meet for a while, then settled into building houses in Florida (and his houses are gorgeous). He’s a libertarian, black sheep of the family, who always told me there was no need to go to college if that wasn’t what I wanted to do. In fact, about a year and a half ago, he was laughing at me while I was visiting him because I was stressing out over a stupid class I was taking. We just have no respect for trifling dipshits, an academia creates and perpetuates an awful lot of self-important little trifling dipshits.

“This is college!” So if college really was preparing me for the real world, why are the most up to date offerings in the computer department for things like ASP and Flash, but nothing for more recent offerings like Ajax or ruby on rails? Why do I know more about medical anthropology than all of the professors in the anthropology department? Why doesn’t the college library give me access to Nature? Why is there no handicapped parking anywhere near my building? Why do my classmates get points off their papers for misspelling, grammar, and punctuation errors, but the professors make them in the handouts without penalization? Why can the professors prepare recorded lectures (for online students) on their computers at home with the sounds of their kids and the television in the background, but if a student turns in a presentation with similar background noise, there is a hefty penalization? Etc.

Now I’ve got two weeks off. It certainly isn’t for good behavior.

Sometimes, guys have tried to convince me to marry them so that I’ll have more financial security. Some have even pointed (I shit you not) to their life insurance policies and their Social Security Administration statements that show how much they’ll be paid upon disability or retirement, or how much their spouse/common law wifey would be paid when made a widow. Then I have to reply, “That’s great, but you’ve got twenty years before SSA retirement money will kick in. Are you planning on getting disabled, or better yet for my finances, dying of an accident?” They never are, so I’m still not married.

Right now I’m researching for and writing a piece on poverty, disability, and Social Security. About five minutes ago, while starting to write about the disabled adult children of Social Security recipients — it happens that my aunt is one — it hit me that in just fourteen years, at the ripe age of thirty-nine, I’ll be able to start collecting disabled adult benefits off my dad’s Social Security. The disabled adult child rate is currently $394.90, and like SSI, it rises every year with the cost of living. Usually about $10 or so.

Great, so if medical science doesn’t find a way to make it happen, and working (read: fighting) with the Maryland Department of Rehab and the school system doesn’t work out, I will still have a fall back crutch for a future. As my parents did not believe that I was ill as early as age 13, which caused them to not seek diagnosis (let alone treatment), which caused my condition to deteriorate faster than it would have than with managed care, and because I was undiagnosed, they did not apply for disability for me when I was still underage and dependent upon them which has resulted in my being ineligible for SSDI — and thus extremely fucking poor and with Medicaid instead of Medicare — their insistence throughout my adolescence, teen years, and up to age 22 (when the state finally declared me gimp) that I get a fucking job; that they didn’t understand what was wrong with me; that they wouldn’t support me… all of this can not be stunningly made up for by once again having my parents financially assist me. In their glorious retirement years. Joke’s on you, folks.

Bittersweet, though, ‘cos while the thought is amusing, I don’t really give a shit. I just want off and out, not to be further entrenched in the cycle. But as a fall back crutch, it’s better than ever having to live with my folks again. Augh.

+ It turns out that people on Social Security disability (SSI and SSDI) get their tuition waived at the local college. Motherfucking WAIVED. I’m back in school. I only get charged for fees and books, which are more than covered by my Pell Grant.

+ If I ever manage to get my transcript transferred, I’ll have 15 credits and a GPA of 3.14. This officially makes me a second year student on the Dean’s List. It’s only taken me since 1998 (when I first started taking college classes) to become a college sophomore.

+ I started working with the DORS program. That’s the Maryland State Department of Education Division of Rehabilitation Services. They call it DORS ‘cos most of us in the program can’t remember the full name, har har.

+ DORS is going to have my psychoeducational testing redone, since it’s been more than five years since the last set of staring at ink blots and memorizing ludicrous monster names and locations (if you’ve ever taken the Woodcock, et al, you know what I’m talking about). With my IQ/EQ reassessed, I can get my disability support services file updated, which will hopefully help me to take classes on campus. Provided notetakers! Scribes! Padded seats! Voice recog in the computer lab!

+ After I finish my second year at the local college, DORS pays University of Maryland tuition rates for me to go anywhere I want. In other words, DORS will pay $8,000 per year for tuition. I get an additional $4,000+ per year via my Pell Grant. That’s $12,000 per year for tuition, plus I’m eligible for loads of need-based financial aid, and scholarships. Without need-based aid and scholarships, that puts me at only $6k/year short for, oh, Columbia, $4k short for NYU, $3k short for University of Washington…

Neither here nor there::

* At my first DORS meeting, I was assessed at the Second Level of Disability. My case worker gave me that assessment after listening to me describe my situation. Level two means “An Individual with Significant Disabilities.” However, upon looking at my medical records, I was upped to level one, “An Individual with the most Significant Disabilities.” According to DORS, those of us gimps on level one have “a severe physical or mental impairment which seriously limits three or more functional capacities such as mobility, communication, self-care, self-direction, interpersonal skills, work tolerance, or work skills, in terms of an employment outcome;” plus, our vocational rehab “can be expected to require multiple vocational rehabilitation services: at least two from the main services of guidance and counseling, medical rehabilitation services including technology services, job placement and vocational training;” and our rehab period with the DORS service is expected to last more than six months. Items in italics are the ones I was slotted under. [Source: DORS Order of Selection (PDF)]

* Interestingly, DORS has 10,350 individuals with ‘Most Significant Disabilities’ and 4,850 with ‘Significant Disabilities.’ (Due to funding, DORS currently does not any level three individuals, or those with ‘Non-Severe Disabilities.’) Of the current 15,200 individuals currently receiving service, only 2,015 individuals with ‘Most Significant Disabilities’ and 998 individuals with ‘Significant Disabilities’ are projected to complete DORS training/rehab and find jobs in the fiscal year of 2007. [ibid]

* From October 2005-2006, “3,082 people with significant disabilities went to work after taking part in DORS vocational services. Another 1,157 were working and were expected to shortly complete all services.” [Source: Outcomes at a Glance] “The average cost per person rehabilitated in Maryland is $4,077.39.” [Source: Economic Impact] It is expected that those who are rehabbed and reenter the workforce will pay the state back via their taxes within 2-4 years after beginning employment. Considering the number of people who are trained but do not reenter the workforce, this seems like a loss, and not a gain.

* “The average hourly wage for people who are working after taking part in DORS programs is $10.20.” [ibid] Before I entered training, my average wages on non-modeling/acting jobs was $20/hour as a photographer. Modeling average of $100/hour. Does this mean that a rehabbed gimp will be able to make more, or am I looking at a pay cut? Cost Benefit Analysis: stay on gimp funds and work under the table, still be poor and uneducated, or go through rehab and potentially get placed in a demeaning, poor-paying (to me) job.

CONS:

- In the waiting room at my first DORS appointment, I got to listen to some guy talking on the phone to a girl about how he “just got out” and was going to “come over” and “get (himself) some,” and no, he didn’t care that the girl’s mom was home — if mom intervened, he’d slap them both around. Rehabilitation encompasses many types of problems, including recently paroled misogynist assholes.

- The school’s bookstore, including the computer software department, has no idea which voice recognition software the school uses for its campus computers. I need this for exams, tests, etc.

- Disability support services currently isn’t accepting appointments — it’s by waiting-in-line, only. Uncomfortable chairs + can’t use my cell phone in lobby + having trouble getting everything else I need to get done accomplished due to waiting, running around for signatures, and the like.

- I’m still assessed at the Beginning Algebra level for math. I have three math classes I have to get through before I’m on the college level and can receive credit for taking a math class. I also can’t take most of my required courses until I get on the college math level. Because, for some reason, Art History requires the mastering of word problems with algebraic equations expressed within.

- My math instructor already thinks I’m a smart ass. And despite the ADA, the instructors are stiff none to pleased about having to make accommodations. In addition, I think it’s a load of bollocks that to get accommodations, the student has to go through the disability support services office with current (3-5 years) documentation of disability, then DSS has to notify the teachers. This is a financial bias in the system, as providing the documentation costs scads of money. Learning disability documentation, for example, can cost upward of $2,000. This has to be renewed every two years. How are we supposed to provide documentation if we can’t afford those services? The system is arse.

- I have to declare a major and present an Individualized Learning Plan to my DORS case manager next week. This not only maps out my major, but maps each semester with the courses I will be attending to get my major. It then details what employment I will seek with my major, and what disability barriers DORS can help me break down before I get to the employment stage. I’m so baffled by all this that I’m planning on declaring Photography as my major, with a future employment plan of Naughty Photographer. But, you know, one with a degree, and skills to match the degree. I honestly don’t know what else to say at this point. “Hi, please help me get an education so that I can write educated commentary about How The Gimp System is Broken. Thanks.”

- I have no idea what to focus on in school, and I feel like having all the DORS and DSS counselors swarming around me with ‘suggestions’ will only end up with me making a choice due to the pressure. Do I really think all of this is going to help? Not really, but it’s worth a try.

Like school, for instance. As of last week, they still wanted $1760. Their statement made no sense. I called and spoke with several people, who all kept referring me to someone else’s voice mail. Nothing was ever resolved; I just kept getting told that so-and-so didn’t deal with that, so I should talk to someone else. Finally, a guy called for me. Immediately, he had $530 removed from my statement, where I had been double billed for a class. He then managed to get the financial aid department to look into why I’m being asked to pay $1,000+ when my Expected Family Contribution to my Pell Grant is only $406 per year. The school is still looking into the matter, so no definitive word yet, but at least they’re looking. They wouldn’t even talk to me.

A few weeks ago I was reading this NYTimes article about not assigning gender roles to kids who prefer to act outside of gender stereotypes, such as boys who want to wear dresses or girls who want to play in the mud.

“We know that sexually marginalized children have a higher rate of depression and suicide attempts,” Dr. [Edgardo] Menvielle said. “The goal is for the child to be well adjusted, healthy and have good self-esteem. What’s not important is molding their gender.”

…

Studies suggest that most boys with gender variance early in childhood grow up to be gay, and about a quarter heterosexual, Dr. Menvielle said. Only a small fraction grow up to identify as transgender.

Girls with gender-variant behavior, who have been studied less, voice extreme unhappiness about being a girl and talk about wanting to have male anatomy. But research has thus far suggested that most wind up as heterosexual women.

Too bad I can’t transfer the credits any time soon because I can’t afford my $1720 in leftover tuition.

Thank you, financial aid, for dry ass fucking me without a condom!

On the other hand, I got excellent grades with no effort, no tears shed, and much bemused bewilderment toward my peers. And one day, my credits may transfer. The linguistics course, after all, is a senior level (400) course in the system here, so I’ve got time to pay the bill.

Come to think of it, hasn’t my entire course selection really been “elective?”

ENG 150 Composition in Eight Weeks (received an A for the class)

HIST 385 Third World Conflicts. (received a B for the class)
A study of the Cold War conflicts with an emphasis on the role of
developing countries; an analysis of specific Cold War controversies,
particularly those that took place in the Third World; an examination
of ideological, cultural and socio-historical aspects of the Cold War.
Same as PLSC 385.

POLI 325 Political Sociology. (just finished, but have a B average due to late assignments; slackassness as usual)
Prerequisite: SOC 101. This course is an in-depth study of the social
cases of power and politics. Political, economic, and cultural
sociology. Methodology of experimental psychology considered in the
context of actual research problems in perceptions, learning, memory,
thinking, individual differences, and social behavior. Same as CRIM
359, PSYC 359.

SOCI 101 Intro to Sociology (just started two weeks ago, currently an A)

ENGL 353 Nature of the English Language. (in session, currently an A)
In this diachronic study of the English language, special attention
is given to the development of the English language from its Anglo-
Saxon origins to the present and to the varieties of English spoken
in contemporary American society.

So I don’t have a regular English literature, U.S. politics, history, political science, or sociology course under my belt (except the Soc-101 I just started), but I’m doing fine on all these sophomore level courses.

Isn’t there someway to bypass all the nasty intro requirements for a diploma and go straight to the good stuff? Apparently, I can jump straight into my sophomore or senior year, take the classes, do the independent surveys, master the material, and then…not graduate because I don’t have 300 credits of core requirements and whatever else is needed. This is asinine.

When I was thirteen, and I were subjected to The Kuder career aptitude test. It told me that my best bet was to be a hair dresser. Maybe I should have explored that option? Naaah.

Wedding bells ringing this weekend, off to Pittsburgh next weekend. Following weekend is the giant Fight Club party and my grandfather’s 92^nd birthday. Philly sometime soon? Perhaps, perhaps.